Psychologist and author Patricia Papernow called the role “intimate outsider,” in which you are close and part of the family, but you are also just a bit outside so you have a more objective viewpoint. Your role is also going to depend on what ages the kids are when you marry their dad. Children’s behavior changes as they move from one developmental stage to the next.
A younger child is going to be more open to hearing, “Sweetie, can you pick up your toys?” than a 10- or 16-year-old. When I was a teenager, I was angry and rebellious. There was no way I would accept direct parenting from my stepmother. To do so would have put me in a direct loyalty conflict because I believed if I let her influence me, it would hurt my mother.
For several years I said “No!” to every suggestion my stepmother made, regardless of whether I thought it was a good idea or not, simply because it came from her. Even though our relationship was rocky at the start, there were topics I talked to my stepmother about I would never have brought up with my mother or father, such as boys and sex. Her perspective on the world added value to my life.
Now, my stepmother has created a place in my family that is entirely her own, and she is no less a member of the family than any of us. Isn’t that what it’s about? Each of us has to declare space in our families for our unique personalities and contributions, no matter how we came into the family.
Each of us is responsible for every one-on-one relationship we have with our parents, stepparents, and siblings, and that interaction is what makes a family. You’ll find your role. It will grow organically out of the ingredients of your own unique situation.
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