As you’ve begun the work of identifying what everyone in your stepfamily unit feels and wants from their family experience, you can begin to solidify what your role will be with your family members. “I didn’t always know what I was doing,” admits former family law attorney Heidi. “What is my role? What are my boundaries?
I think the kids were looking to me for boundaries, but I didn’t know what they were. How far do I go in deciding how this house is run now that I’m here? How far do I go in asserting myself or trying to fit in?” To find out what role best works for you and your family, you must first sit back a bit and observe.
Being a stepmother is an identity that evolves over the course of your lives together, so keep your eye on the big picture. You’ve got to work your way up the family ladder. Let the kids tell you what they want from you, and see if that fits with what you’re willing to give. Because there are no known models for what a successful, generous, kind, and involved stepmother looks like, you get to create a role that fits with your own temperament.
As time goes on, you and the kids will negotiate with each other until you arrive at workable relationships. Some possible positive roles for stepmothers are trusted adviser, teacher, friend, coach, and respected adult.
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