In a culture of self-interest, how do you turn “What’s best for me?” into “What’s best for us?” The challenge of any marriage is to figure out how to work and live in a partnership while maintaining your own purpose. But the only way to achieve a working stepfamily is if both you and your husband work together as a unified team.
It’s a process of trial and error, but one that must stand on the assumption that both of you are committed to supporting each other. Consider Judy and David. They formed a stepfamily twenty years ago with her husband’s two children from a previous marriage.
And though there were challenges with the kids, it was her husband’s parents who caused the biggest heartache. They formed an alliance with their son’s ex-wife that excluded their own son and their grandchildren’s new stepmother— Judy. It was devastating to both Judy and her husband. “I wanted a really solid, open, dedicated, and healthy marriage,” Judy says.
“I wanted our relationship to be number one, and my husband agreed it would be number one for him, too. He never ceased to demonstrate that when it was critical. He demonstrated completely to me that he would do anything to preserve his relationship with his parents, short of undermining our relationship.” When my dad first married my stepmother, I didn’t want to see outward signs of my dad’s new marriage being healthy and strong.
But eventually, the growing quiet strength of their marriage became something I could count on. It became something I could learn from. Without that strong bond between the two of them, our stepfamily would have combusted long ago. So, stepmothers, besides working on your own inner strength, which is something we must all do, make that relationship with your husband strong.
Be confident in it. Play with it. Make it yours. And then you can extend your open arms to those children from a place of security and strength that will help those kids flourish through the wounds of divorce.
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